Here's the deal...
The three of us are walking around in Publix and doing a little post tropical storm food shopping. Big Momma is wearing a green t-shirt and the baby is in the buggy, top shelf. I'm prancing along and making googly eyes at the baby and doing the entertain-the-child-so-momma-can-shop thing, and all is well. We finish the deal and we're heading to the front to pay, and momma has the buggy. I stop at the paperbacks up front in the store for a quick title peruse and then amble brainlessly toward the green blouse...(you know where this is heading, I can tell...but it gets better!) I enter the line and look at the magazine covers. Jennifer Aniston, Rhiana, Tyra Banks...all on different covers, all in white, and all with waaaaay too much cleavage. I mutter to no one in particular, "Jubblies!", reference to Austin Powers' slang term for the female breast.
Nonchalantly, I amble up behind my 'wife' and stand patiently as we wait for the customer in front of us to finish paying so we can unload the rest of the food onto the carousel. I'm moments from smacking my 'wife' on the ass playfully to get her to move forward and take her place in the cue, when I realize that I don't recognize any of the food in the buggy...or on the carousel. Hmmm...strange. Big Momma must be planning some new menu items that I'm not privy to, maybe as a surprise. Then I realize that there is no baby in the buggy. Then I realize that Big Momma isn't wearing a green t-shirt. Then I realize that something is wrong, very very wrong, and I stop myself...moments to spare...split seconds even...from smacking a complete stranger on the ass! Big Momma and the baby are two isles over! I am standing literally 6 inches from the butt of a 65 year old woman, who is visibly concerned about her personal space, and I am mid-motion toward smacking her bum-bum! Whoops!
Duck out of line, look around, locate my proper party and stifle the giggles as I try to help momma with the food and the baby. Close call...maybe too close.
I have a habit of saying just about anything. I don't have much of a filter. I can be crude. I don't much care what people think... I also can't remember if I said anything after "Jubblies" and before I nearly committed the unauthorized ass-slappage. I was thinking at the time that it was amazing how risky women were being photographed a for the covers of magazines today, and in all honesty I could have said all kinds of crude stuff 6 inches from the ear of a total stranger, or I could have just stood right behind her and freaked her all the hell out in total silence. I can't even remember.
Good news on the day to the store...BP was 107/79 and pulse was under 70 for the first time in years...68. Much improved.