Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Vanishing Species - Oregon

When I lived in Colorado, one of the things that really surprised me was the negativity I experienced when folks found out I was not from in state, that instead I was from Florida. Seems that Coloradoans hate three things...people from California, people from Texas, and people from Florida. I had heard that Oregonians shared that animosity for the three interloper states, and I was not misguided.

Some of that though, is just a natural concern that Oregonians have about being able to support and protect the great indigenous peoples of their fine state. Biodiversity is a beautiful thing.

Harritains - A once noble people, identified by their disheveled ponytails and their dirty striped green wool sweaters and 'Sub Pop' t-shirts. Females of the species are distinguished by their penchant for sleeve tattoos and their hairy armpits. Once the dominant species in metropolitan settings such as Portland and Salem, they were nearly eradicated when the healthiest and heartiest of the breed flocked en mass to Seattle and took their teen spirits with them. The remnants of the species were left to wallow in their self loathing and pump quarts of heroin into their veins, longing for the days when Pearl Jam was relevant. Today, Harritains live in small enclaves, called 'coffee shops', sprinkled throughout the urban landscape.


Pufferites - A once numerous and proud people, the Pufferites came to dominate the landscape of this fine Pacific Northwest state after the reduction in stature and importance of the then occupying, silviculture practicing, troops of the great western peoples of Loggerania. The Pufferites are a happy and pleasant people, warm and sensitive and sometimes moody, and seemingly always hungry. Pufferites are concerned individuals, both for the health and well being of their communities and for the communities of others. Strangely, Pufferites seek anonymity in their lives, and bristle at the concept that they may actually be, after all, Pufferites. Easily identified during mating season by their empathetic pleas of "Dude!" and "Whoa!", and sometimes even, "Whoa, dude!" Pufferites spend much of their days cultivating their most cherished crop, "weed" and avoiding their more predatory nemesis, Law Enforcement.

Furrieleggs - Mountain peoples, easily identified by their 10 year old Subarus, although more senior members of the troop and the nobility of the clan occupy the more prestigious and desirable mating vessels known as Vanagon Westfalias. Females of the species are easily identified by the bushy scrub that flows from not only their armpits, like the Harritains, but also from their calves. Subaru favoring subspecies are known as the Antierus-Mazdacantus, while the Westfalia sporting of the breed are called Convertius Poptoptenticus. Furrieleggs spend much of their time crafting and enjoying their prized elixir of life, called "micro brew", and listening to Obama quotes broadcast on NPR.

To the inhabitants of the great state of Florida, or North Cuba as it is called today, the three great peoples of Oregon all seem pretty much the same!



OK OK OK OK OK! All kidding aside...

5 comments:

Neill said...

Harritains and Pufferites are the world over, we have them here to (UK), along with many yet to be classified 'sub-species' that would most likely end up in the Ungulates group ;-)

Your blog ALWAYS makes me laugh...

Utahdog! said...

Thanks man. Now if you would just please explain to the Oregon Mafia pounding on my front door with axe handles and spade shovels that its all been in fun!

Steve said...

Surely there must be one or two Paris Hilton-type glam shavers in Oregon...

Paul said...

When we were in Portland, I saw a girl with more hair on her back than I have. Here in the south a lady would have waxed her back.

Utahdog! said...

Paul, that lady was me.