Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Insect Invasion!

I already degraded my cycling blog by talking about the stupidity of the Fair Tax and then Sarah Palin's undeniable MILF Quotient, so there's only one more moronic topic to cover before I can call my 'Triumverate of Retardedness' complete.
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Bug Sex
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I'm not a big insecticide sprayer. My yard is chock full of bizarre critters that I've never seen, (I blame my proximity to the busiest port on the mid-Atlantic coast, exotic species infestations, etc...) and I'm not very motivated to start bumping these bugs off and in the process killing my daughter's kidneys, so infest and breed they will, and as long as they stay out of the house, I'm OK with that.
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One morning, I noticed a 'bloom' of sorts on the yard-waste can. This isn't a garbage can, and there's nothing stinky-rotten about it. It's just a solid surface under tree cover where a critter population explosion occurred, and produced this menagerie...

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Each one of those little black dots is a wiggling beast. I thought they were Roly-Poly sow bug type things, but when I looked closer, I could see that they were slimy, where the typical sow bug is a hard shelled dry segmented armadillo looking thing! These almost look like Cambrian Trilobites! Must be some exotic Asian sow bug that hitched a ride over on some cheap-ass flat panel TVs from Singapore, maybe. Probably be a CNN story soon, about how they bore into your head while you sleep, feed on your cerebral cortex, and turn you into a lobotomized Sarah Palin supporter. Eck!
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We've got lots of Rain Trees in the yard too, another exotic species that hopped a ride to the US on a pallet of Bananas from Honduras. Apparently, Rain Trees bring their OWN exotic species with them when they propagate to a new continent. These little Red-Butt Bugs come along for the ride.
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No no, he doesn't have two heads, that would just be weird. Rather, this endearing photo is actually a sensitive coital moment between a proud Red Butt Bug and his scrumptious bride. Red-Butts are very sensitive and caring beasts, and after pupating from their larval stage, they emerge lust starved and single minded with their asses all aglow, their one and only goal being to find a member of the opposite sex to glue their butt to. These little rump-humpers must be related to the famed Love Bugs that populate the roadsides of our Nation's highways, although Love Bugs, as we all know have two post-pupation life goals. The first is obviously to find a mate of suitable hotness to glue their butt to. The second is to find a slab-fronted motorized vehicle, preferably white and therefore usually mine, and smear their innards all the hell over the front of it.
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Unlike the ubiquitous Love Bug, though...the Red-Butt has a much higher MILF Quotient, which of course, makes it an excellent choice for the vice presidential candidate on the conservative ticket.

3 comments:

Steve said...

I would definitely vote for the Red Butt Bug before Ms. Palin.

What ARE those little slimy things?? I thought they were sowbugs, too, but I guess not...?

Paul said...

I have a pro kill the bugs at our house quarterly. Of course I don't care about our kidneys and we have little ones to worry about.

marry said...

Blogs are so informative where we get lots of information on any topic. Nice job keep it up!!
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