Placemat Porn

The U.P. was so boring in fact, that when we stopped for lunch at a dinky little sandwich shop, seemingly the only cultural experience to be had on the entire drive across the U.P., I began seeing things in the place mats on our table.

Damn government do-gooders!

The place mats were designed to promote some bizarre "Arrive Alive" type message to motorists out for a boring as hell drive across the U.P.

What it really did, what with all the wonky acronyms and bureaucrat triple-speak, was peddle porn and other illicit behavior to the unsuspecting bible belt tourists up for a nice peaceful drive through the U.P. 

"Hey!  All I wanted was to see some moose antlers and a few tree stump bear carvings and now I have to shield my kid's eyes from this filth?  WTF!!"

"Hey?  What the hell?  What are you staring at?!"

Look at this old pedophile.  We've clearly disturbed him and whoever is lying on the floor of his dingie of lustful felonious-ity-ish-ness. 

These little cues are supposed to lure the unsuspecting from the safety of their locked cars.  Sure that table is for a snack.  Yeah right.  And what is with all the mattresses on top of that sin-wagon of an automobile!?!

"Yah, my name is Helga from Sweden!"

Lars the wunder-skater-skier-sailor dude here knows what's up.  Dig that turtleneck.  And a pink beanie hat?  What are we teaching the children?

"Quit yer squirmin!"

Oh yeah, THIS is what we are teaching the children.  I'm sure that up in the U.P. this constitutes a swimming lesson, but where I come from that is just sicko-prevert behaviour right there.  I bet they aint even related!

"It rubs the lotion on its skin!"

You are supposed to believe that this is a man facing your right, with a hat on forwards and his hands behind his back.  But look at his knees!  He is CLEARLY facing left, wearing his hat backwards like a pot pedaling hip-hop punk hack kid, and fondling his own junk!  His protruding ass just smacks of questionable moral turpitude!!!

Say, is that Phoebe Cates on the left?

I saw this one in a porno once.  Filthy tramps.  Go to church!